“They fight when they’re unsure if they understand it themselves.”
We had a 4th grade parent meeting at school and were discussing how the kids seem to be getting angry when we, as parents, try to help them with their homework. “That’s not how the teacher wants us to do it.” Seems to be a common statement in many homes right now, and the teachers were clarifying that, while this is age appropriate, it is not true. The fact is, with the new Common Core Curriculum, the more ways they learn how to do something the better. The problem is that at this age their uncertainty in themselves turns to a fear of being seen as lacking. What to us seems like help, to them feels like judgment. This idea that help represents a comment on our ability can follow us into adulthood. As a writer I definitely sometimes feel like this when my work is being critiqued. Our first response can often be to claim the other person doesn’t understand. In fact, you should hear me bicker with Word’s grammar checker when it points out all of the fragments in my writing. But pride, whether in our academic knowledge, appearance, or social standing, comes at a sever cost. Something I was reminded of while watching Gone with the Wind over the last couple of nights. I guess it has been a while since I have watched the movie in its; entirety. Or perhaps I now have the maturity to better analyze it. Whatever the reason, I found myself both sympathetic to and disgusted by Scarlett. Pride makes us say and do the very worst things. Like this statement by Scarlett: “You know it's yours. I don't want it any more than you do. No woman would want a child of a cad like you... I wish for anybody's child but yours.” (Gone with the Wind- By Margaret Mitchell) We know this is a lie, just as she knows it is a lie. She missed him when he was gone and had been excited to tell him about the baby… until he told her he planned to leave again. Then, in order to save her pride, she said this awful thing to him. Pride, though, is a difficult companion to let go of. Like the shell on an armadillo, we feel like pride protects us from the weakness of our own insecurities. So how do we help our children, or ourselves, find the courage to move beyond its hold? Louisa May Alcott wrote, in Little Women, “… for love casts out fear, and gratitude can conquer pride.” And so, my gratitude for the gift of being able to write means that I even accept a computer telling me that my grammar needs improvement. And my gratitude that I get to share my daughter’s learning means that I can sit through her angry accusations of my own inequities without it becoming about me. What are you grateful for? Has pride ever kept you from something you really wanted? I love to hear from my readers. And to prove it, I am giving away my left-over Thanksgiving meal to one commenter during the month of November. :>) Just kidding. Actually… I will donate $10 to the (non-political) charity of your choice if you win the November drawing. Just leave a comment for any of my posts and check back at the end of the month to see if you are the lucky winner. Gobble, Gobble. Deanne
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“After being married for 33 years there’s some things you just don’t tell them.”
Funny… there’s no part of me that thinks this way with my husband. I probably overshare. Split ends, digestive issues, menopause symptoms- nothing is off limits. Sometimes, it may feel like I am withholding, but this is simply because when he asks what I am doing, or who I was talking with on the phone, it takes me a while to recreate it in my mind. Typically my brain goes through a convoluted series of hoops to reach a conclusion, (which may relate to my blog post last week about intuition.) I know it is related to the direction my blog posts take. I was late on this one this morning, and my husband asked if it was because I couldn’t come up with anything to say. After giving him the raised eyebrow expression that said, you must be crazy, I told him, “Finding something to say is never a problem.” And yet…. With so much internal noise it is sometimes difficult to find the important thing to say. Or maybe it is my own protective way of not having to say it. I’m not sure on this. I just know that underneath all of the blogs about writing, or even drunk driving, there is a deep, deep river of untold emotion. Of course a public blog may not always be the best spot to air these issues. (You don’t really want to hear about my awful fears for my 9 year old daughter, do you? If so you could save me lots of money in counseling bills). But really, really good writing has to come from this level- even if it is close to being one of Dante’s lower levels of hell. Lately the discord between Commercial Romance and Literary Fiction has taken up a good chunk of my brain power. I have been reading about it, writing about it, thinking about it, and yet still haven’t discovered from where the real disagreement stems. I can point to many factors that aggravate it. But I can’t isolate any one problem that would resolve the disagreement once and for all. (For more on the debate read this blog post from May 23, 2013.) I do know though, that the fact that most romance is written by women has to relate somehow. Observing my own hesitancy with writing the dark, difficult stuff, I wonder if this is something other women withhold also. Books such as “Lean In,” lead me to think I could be on to something with this direction of thought. After all… if we can’t even say some things to our spouse, how on earth can we say them to friends, colleagues, family or readers? What sorts of things do you share or withhold from your people in your life? Do you find it easy or difficult to reach down and publicly explore the difficult subjects? I love hearing from my blog readers. And to prove it I’m giving away a copy of my book BETTING JESSICA to one lucky commenter during the month of September. Leave a comment for any of my blog posts and at the end of each month I will randomly select one visitor/commenter to receive a free download of my book. (Note: winner will be notified by a reply linked to their original comment…. Check back at the end of the month for directions on how to claim your prize!) |
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June 2020
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