Overheard at... Starbucks

9/26/2013

“After being married for 33 years there’s some things you just don’t tell them.”

Funny… there’s no part of me that thinks this way with my husband. I probably overshare. Split ends, digestive issues, menopause symptoms- nothing is off limits. Sometimes, it may feel like I am withholding, but this is simply because when he asks what I am doing, or who I was talking with on the phone, it takes me a while to recreate it in my mind.

Typically my brain goes through a convoluted series of hoops to reach a conclusion, (which may relate to my blog post last week about intuition.) I know it is related to the direction my blog posts take. I was late on this one this morning, and my husband asked if it was because I couldn’t come up with anything to say. After giving him the raised eyebrow expression that said, you must be crazy, I told him, “Finding something to say is never a problem.”

And yet…. With so much internal noise it is sometimes difficult to find the important thing to say. Or maybe it is my own protective way of not having to say it. I’m not sure on this. I just know that underneath all of the blogs about writing, or even drunk driving, there is a deep, deep river of untold emotion.

Of course a public blog may not always be the best spot to air these issues. (You don’t really want to hear about my awful fears for my 9 year old daughter, do you? If so you could save me lots of money in counseling bills). But really, really good writing has to come from this level- even if it is close to being one of Dante’s lower levels of hell.

Lately the discord between Commercial Romance and Literary Fiction has taken up a good chunk of my brain power. I have been reading about it, writing about it, thinking about it, and yet still haven’t discovered from where the real disagreement stems. I can point to many factors that aggravate it. But I can’t isolate any one problem that would resolve the disagreement once and for all. (For more on the debate read this blog post from May 23, 2013.)

I do know though, that the fact that most romance is written by women has to relate somehow. Observing my own hesitancy with writing the dark, difficult stuff, I wonder if this is something other women withhold also. Books
such as “Lean In,” lead me to think I could be on to something with this direction of thought.

After all… if we can’t even say some things to our spouse, how on earth can we say them to friends, colleagues, family or readers?

What sorts of things do you share or withhold from your people in your life? Do you find it easy or difficult to reach down and publicly explore the difficult subjects? I love hearing from my blog readers. And to prove it I’m giving away a copy of my book BETTING JESSICA to one lucky commenter during the month of September.

Leave a comment for any of my blog posts and at the end of each month I will randomly select one visitor/commenter to receive a free download of my book. (Note: winner will be notified by a reply linked to their
original comment…. Check back at the end of the month for directions on how to claim your prize!)

1 Comment

Maggie Jaimeson link

9/27/2013 05:20:25 am

I don't know that I keep things from my husband or he from me. However, I do know that we don't share everything. For me, part of it is that he is not interested in certain things I might talk about--hairstyles, fashion, most things in the romance novels I write. Knowing that makes me not want to share those things with him. He also has things in his life he doesn't choose to share as well.

Your comment: "I do know though, that the fact that most romance is written by women has to relate somehow. Observing my own hesitancy with writing the dark, difficult stuff, I wonder if this is something other women withhold also."

I do think there is a difference in the approach to writing "dark, difficult stuff" between men and women. When I write dark situations in my novels I do it from an emotional perspective more than from a physical perspective. This is because in writing the emotional perspective I can leave openings for transformation, for overcoming the tragedy. If I write purely from a physical perspective it is only horrible with no hope.

IMO men write/read more from the physical perspective and don't ascribe emotion to it. It simply is. For example, I rarely watch war movies because the action and death and destruction engender powerful emotions of despair in me--even if there is no emotional portrayal on the screen. My husband, on the other hand, watches it as a history lesson that includes horrible physical consequences.

This same physical vs emotional response difference plays out in literature beyond romance. A mystery written by a female tends to define the mystery in terms of emotions more than action. An adventure or thriller by a female tends to define the emotional reactions of characters as much as the action itself. It is psychological fears and thrills more than pure action.

How does this impact awards? Readers? "Legitimacy" as literature? I'm not sure. But I do know that emotional reads are most often considered to be books for women and "factual" reads are most often considered to be books for men. As the ratio of men to women as literary critics and judges is heavily weighted toward men, it is my belief is that the judges are evaluating things in terms of their own desires and prejudices. See this site for a count of male vs female reviewers in the top magazines and papers. http://www.vidaweb.org/the-count-2012

Overheard at... Starbucks

Leave a Reply.

About Me...

Deanne Wilsted

Archives

Categories