Silence... Aaackkk… it was exactly what I was scared of, that when it came to the Q & A part of my release party there would not be any questions. I had prepared myself for a bunch of random questions before the night started. But although I knew it was a possibility, I had not prepared myself for the silence. What should I say? Of course it only lasted for a moment, but it was enough to make me nervous. Wearing the hat of author feels confusing when I am with my friends. I am still trying to figure out what people expect of a more formal author interaction. After all, these people usually see me in my sweats, make-up free and hair in a ponytail. But here I was, dressed nicely, hair straightened and real make-up on. The difference, at least visually, was obvious. Inside though I still felt like the same person, so how was I to act. Authentic as myself, certainly, but I also knew I was acting as the representative for my book. And I think that was the tricky part. Now that my book is published it feels distinctly separate from me. In fact, it is difficult to remember that I wrote it. I don’t know if other authors feel this way, but although I know my characters and the story better than anyone, it now almost feels like a story I have simply read, rather than one I dreamt up. In one way this is lovely… whereas writing is a very solitary endeavor, now I get to actually share the story with others who are enjoying it. On the other hand, there is now a public me, one that isn’t quite as defined as the wonderful characters in my book. It would be much more comfortable to create that persona proactively, like I tried to do with my answers to the Q & A. But I am not sure I yet fully understand the question. And so, though I have never been good at sitting patiently in the silent spaces of life, like during the Q & A waiting out the transition period may very well open me up to a more authentic answer.
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“A midwife? It’s like a nurse or something at home that helps deliver the baby. Yeah. I think that is what she wants to do.”
The incongruity of two, mid-twenty something guys, drinking their daytime beers while talking about having a baby struck me as funny and was elevated by the fact that I was there to buy tickets for a Super Diamond concert (like Neil Diamond for those who don’t know him). The huge bar was empty, other than me, the two guys talking about babies, and a one man act playing guitar and talking to a table of drab looking women. It was not exactly the type of place I am usually to be found on any given Saturday, at least not anymore. There was a time in my life when I could imagine having hung out at just this sort of bar. Post college, pre marriage; that time filled with late nights and friends and not always the smartest decisions. It is not a time I miss much at all. There was a lot of insecurity attached to doing the wrong things for me… so I don’t think I was ever truly comfortable in the role of twenty-something party girl. I like to think this wasn’t obvious to my friends, but the fact that I asked, “are you sure this is okay?” many times a night probably gave it away. So reaching the milestone of enjoying a family lifestyle was a big cause for celebration. I am quite happy to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. at night; to prepare breakfast for my daughter and put the dishes in the dishwasher once she is at school. These are little joys that belong in my life more than dancing to a DJ ever did. The two guys at the bar seemed very blasé about having a baby, but I know the truth…. And they probably do as well. After all, they were quietly drinking their beer on a rainy midafternoon rather than surrounded by a crowds in a rockin’ bar late at night. |
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June 2020
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